Can I say, “Great job!” to my kids?

On the final days of the holiday break while I was finishing my latest Louise Penny mystery and managing my chocolate stupor thanks to my husband’s holiday baking (Whoopie Pies FTW!), my daughter was on a creativity bender! 

One piece of art after another- abstract, sculpture, you name it; she was a prolific mini-Hilma af Klint (cutaway confessional: I have no idea who that is but “MyModernMet” says she’s one of the 14 famous female painters I should know). Anyway…

When she finished, we walked through her newly created gallery exhibit and ooohed and ahhhed all the way, asking questions about her choices and her ideas. 

It had me thinking about the way psychologists have been highlighting the “dangers” of praising too much or making statements such as “great job!” or “you’re so smart!” to our children. 

 While the research supports using praise sparingly and focusing primarily on “growth mindset” by encouraging actions such as sticking with something, practically speaking, focusing on only these types of responses likely comes at a different cost- decreased presence, increased uncertainty, and potential frustration for our child.

I’ve had many parents bewildered when their bright-eyed, expectant child approaches and says “do you like my drawing?” They aren’t sure the “RIGHT” thing to say is. 

Imagine this conversation between a parent and child:

Child: “Mom, do you like my painting?”

Mom: “Wow! You’ve been working so hard on that!”

Child: “Thanks! do you like it?” 

Mom: “I noticed you used different colors than you usually do. How fun!”

Child: “But do you like it?”

Mom: “do YOU like it?”

Child: “Yes, do you?”

Mom: ……